conditioning – Tenn Ben Says

I read an email today. One of my son’s teachers said “I don’t think he belongs in accelerated math”. I read it over and over. I felt as if I’d been stabbed in the chest. The words echoed in my head. You don’t belong. You don’t belong. You don’t belong.

I’ve spent years erasing the tape in my head that says I am not enough. The old conditioned beliefs creep up on me from time to time. Being present while parenting challenges the old beliefs all the time. I know the emotions when I see them. They are directly tied to my own insecurities. My loss of breath was not about my son. I took a breath. And another. My eyes stung. My heart ached. I took another breath. And then the initial emotion passed.

I’ve learned to look deeper within when moments like this happen. Reacting to the teacher or to Benji when I’m in these places is not productive. I usually receive a mirror image response to the vibe I put off. That isn’t helpful and it usually isn’t true. Being angry isn’t helpful. Responding to this teacher at this point in the year isn’t helpful. Why did that line in an email make me feel this way?

It took me about 5 minutes to see it clearly. I want my son to achieve as much as he can. He has already done more than many expected of him. He is very smart. That isn’t the issue. His bigger issue is his ability to organize himself and his thoughts, follow along in class without zoning out, and remember all the details of his assignments. Remember to show up for tutoring or finish a retest. He works slower than most because he is so easily distracted. Completing his work without prompting is an issue. I know what his challenges are. I know he is jumping hurdles every time he shows up. Reading that email felt like an indictment. A decree that he isn’t good enough . By extension, I am not good enough. I felt 12 again.

I’ve experienced this moment more than once directly related to my special needs child. He is different, honestly much harder to parent. I know for a fact he is harder to teach. The fact that people see him and make judgment calls about who he is and what he can do, it just bothers me. I don’t like it. When I moved through the emotion, I decided. Is it possible that he doesn’t belong in accelerated math? Yes, it is possible. Is this statement true? I asked him what he thought. He said he’d prefer to take a more challenging class and struggle rather than take an easier class and be bored. Ok. Do any of the other professionals on his team agree with this statement? I’m waiting on an answer to that question. Am I willing to provide additional support to help him be successful? Absolutely.

By the time I got through the deep dive into my feelings, I realized I don’t have to carry this as an affront to me or a failure on my part. We are all still good enough. He is enough, whether he takes advanced math or the basics. He is fine. We are fine. This teacher is not evil. She is entitled to her opinion. We are entitled to ours. This is not the end of the world. We are still fine. Just Breathe.

This is a great reminder for me. I know there are people who are on the cusp of doing something different and new and this will tip them over.

We come here free of baggage. Maybe there is truth to heredity of pain, or cellular imprints of trauma. It’s possible. But I know, most of my own baggage was learned in childhood. I learned that I can’t always trust someone’s I love you. I learned to expect struggle and difficulty. Don’t be too happy because the other shoe will drop. Life is hard and unfair. If you’re not busy you’re lazy. If you’re not tired all the time you’re doing something wrong. Life’s a bitch and then you die.

Of course my parents didn’t intend to teach me these things. But we learn by more than instruction, we learn by watching and hearing. We learn by example.

As an adult I’m doing something else. I’m reprogramming my brain. It’s ongoing work. I think about my goals and look closely at the beliefs that aren’t serving me. I have mantras I repeat to myself when the old conditioned beliefs pop up. When I encounter situations that appear to prove that old conditioning, I ask myself questions before I react. Usually I find the conditioning is faulty.

The hardest part of this work has been letting go. Letting go of beliefs that don’t work for me. Letting go of behavior that got me the opposite of what I wanted. Letting go of expectations of others and conditioned expectations of myself. Forgiving people who hurt me. Letting go of all that and just fucking breathing!

My teacher Sarah said something this morning that I know is true. People are just doing the best they know how. This thought helps me let go. Sometimes our best is harmful to others, or perpetuates a cycle of trauma. Sometimes our best means we are mediocre today. People are shitty and it usually has nothing to do with me. It’s not personal. When someone’s best isn’t good enough for me, I govern myself accordingly. I remove myself and move on with my life. I do not carry their shit. I let it go. Now that I know I have a choice, I choose my own joy and freedom.