I read an email today. One of my son’s teachers said “I don’t think he belongs in accelerated math”. I read it over and over. I felt as if I’d been stabbed in the chest. The words echoed in my head. You don’t belong. You don’t belong. You don’t belong.
I’ve spent years erasing the tape in my head that says I am not enough. The old conditioned beliefs creep up on me from time to time. Being present while parenting challenges the old beliefs all the time. I know the emotions when I see them. They are directly tied to my own insecurities. My loss of breath was not about my son. I took a breath. And another. My eyes stung. My heart ached. I took another breath. And then the initial emotion passed.
I’ve learned to look deeper within when moments like this happen. Reacting to the teacher or to Benji when I’m in these places is not productive. I usually receive a mirror image response to the vibe I put off. That isn’t helpful and it usually isn’t true. Being angry isn’t helpful. Responding to this teacher at this point in the year isn’t helpful. Why did that line in an email make me feel this way?
It took me about 5 minutes to see it clearly. I want my son to achieve as much as he can. He has already done more than many expected of him. He is very smart. That isn’t the issue. His bigger issue is his ability to organize himself and his thoughts, follow along in class without zoning out, and remember all the details of his assignments. Remember to show up for tutoring or finish a retest. He works slower than most because he is so easily distracted. Completing his work without prompting is an issue. I know what his challenges are. I know he is jumping hurdles every time he shows up. Reading that email felt like an indictment. A decree that he isn’t good enough . By extension, I am not good enough. I felt 12 again.
I’ve experienced this moment more than once directly related to my special needs child. He is different, honestly much harder to parent. I know for a fact he is harder to teach. The fact that people see him and make judgment calls about who he is and what he can do, it just bothers me. I don’t like it. When I moved through the emotion, I decided. Is it possible that he doesn’t belong in accelerated math? Yes, it is possible. Is this statement true? I asked him what he thought. He said he’d prefer to take a more challenging class and struggle rather than take an easier class and be bored. Ok. Do any of the other professionals on his team agree with this statement? I’m waiting on an answer to that question. Am I willing to provide additional support to help him be successful? Absolutely.
By the time I got through the deep dive into my feelings, I realized I don’t have to carry this as an affront to me or a failure on my part. We are all still good enough. He is enough, whether he takes advanced math or the basics. He is fine. We are fine. This teacher is not evil. She is entitled to her opinion. We are entitled to ours. This is not the end of the world. We are still fine. Just Breathe.