I’ve been married at this point longer than I was single. Most of my adult life. I’ve been a mother for most of my adult life. I’ve spent more years on this earth with responsibility for others than I did just taking care of myself.
I view my last statement as an issue of epidemic proportions. I am saying that I learned how to care for a child, a husband, and a household, before I learned to care for myself. At least I’ve had much more practice at it. I’ve become proficient at taking care of others. I’m still working on the self care.
I had a couple of factors early on to push me toward focusing on self care. From 2004 -2006, my world turned upside down and hasn’t completely righted itself if I’m being honest. First, my beloved aunt died. My oldest son was diagnosed with Autism shortly after that. I was pregnant at the time. After my second child was born, I was diagnosed with postpartum cardiomyopathy. I was 28 years old. I was exhausted all the time, and felt like I could never catch a break. I literally could not catch my breath.
It was a rough couple of years for me. I was self aware enough to know that something about how I was living my life was not working for me. But the physical constraints my diagnosis initially caused were what really made my decisions easier. I needed to rest. I didn’t have a choice. It led me to leave my job and close my law practice. I began to find dealing with the triviality of my business made me tired and grumpy. I only had so many hours in the day, and I had a new baby and a toddler who needed my focus. I realized in that moment, I cannot do it all. It is impossible.
It took me years to see that I have to stop and rest, not just to have energy for my husband and kids. I have to rest to have energy for myself. To be the best and happiest version of myself. Being ok with pursuing my own happiness was the hardest mental shift I had to make. The death of my aunt put a large focus in my head on the brevity of life. It is short. We don’t control when it ends. So for the time that we are here, what do I want my life to look like?
It took years to get to a place where I am very clear about what that looks like. It was easier to see what it doesn’t look like. It does not look like working from 7-7 and coming home too exhausted to play before bed time. It does not look like home cooked meals every night and lunches packed with crafts and handwritten notes. It does not look like a 10 room house that we pay for but only use 3 of the rooms. It doesn’t look like my kids participating in every activity available to them or going to all the parties. It does not look like answering every call and hitting every family event. Not never seeing my husband. Not joining all the professional organizations. Not accomplishing all the things. Not being everything for every body. Not needing a vacation from my life.
I know my best life involves enjoying my kids. Growing closer to my husband. Breathing. Moving my body. Eating good food. Traveling. Surrounding myself with people who bring joy. Having peace of mind.